The Gifts of Imperfection, written by the researcher, writer, and professor Dr. Brene Brown, will open up your eyes to a fresh perspective on life, and inspire you to appreciate the little things you already have.
This is the book that you will love and enjoy reading.
Dr. Brene Brown is a member of the research faculty of the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, researching for the past 10 years the concept she calls “Wholeheartedness”.
The questions that she asks related to this topic are:
“How do we engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness?”
“How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough—that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?”
The book contains chapters that we will review shortly, that cover various aspects of “letting go of who we think we are supposed to be, to embrace who we are.”
This book is a Guide To A Wholehearted Life.
Let’s begin!
What Is Wholehearted Living?
Wholehearted living simple means engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.
It entails building the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up every morning thinking,- “No matter what gets done or how much remains undone, I am enough.”
Or when we are going to bed at night, are we thinking, that though we are imperfect, vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, that doesn’t change the fact that we are also courageous and deserving of love and belonging.
What Is Authenticity?
Authenticity is something we consciously practice every day. It’s about being true selves.
It’s a conscious choice of how we want to live.
To show up and be real.
To be honest.
To let our true selves be seen.
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. – Dr. Brene Brown
Being who we truly are, is:
– cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
– exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle;
– and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
According to Brene, “authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving” —we live wholeheartedly by embracing the fact that we deserve to be loved, and to live an authentic life even when it’s difficult, even when we’re battling with shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Wholehearted living has three components as part of it, that we shall try and develop in our lives: grace, joy and gratitude.
To be authentic is not an easy choice. “Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll ever fight.
E. E. Cummings wrote, “To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight—and never stop fighting.”
And sure enough, the fight begins within us when we start the great questions of what if?
– “What if I believe I’m enough, but others don’t?”
– “What if I let my imperfect self be seen and known, and nobody likes me for who I am?”
– “What if everyone around me — my friends/family/co-workers like the perfect me better… you know, the one who takes care of everything and everyone?”
Which led Brene conclude in her research couple of, down to earth, advises:
– Be honest without making people feel uncomfortable.
– Say what’s on your mind, but don’t upset or hurt anyone’s feelings.
– Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all.
– Be brave to disagree with the crowd (especially when you see people are heading down the road to destruction).
Encouragement!
“You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.”
— Brown’s friend, Katherine Center
Where The Enemy Lies…
Striving to be your best is not the same as perfectionism.
Perfectionism does not promote healthy growth and personal improvement.
Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, then we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
When in fact, It’s a shield! A twenty-ton shield that we carry around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it is the thing that’s preventing us from flying.
It’s not about self-improvement. At its core, perfectionism is just about seeking approval and acceptance from others.
The belief behind it is: „I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.“
The difference between self-focused and perfectionism is this:
Self-focused resonates at the question — How can I improve? What can I do to be better?
Perfectionism is other-focused — What will they think? How well I will perform? Will they like me and my performance?
This leads to the conclusion, that it is a self-destructive belief system, that grows from the thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.“
Perfectionism feels like there is no way out of that enchanted circle.
And, let’s face it, it’s destructive because only God is perfect. No one else.
To achieve perfectionism in everything is an unattainable goal.
The truth is that feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience.
Perfectionism can also lead to self-blame and feelings of worthlessness.
“I’m not good enough.”
Examples that Brene gives here are:
Perfectionism self-talk: “Ugh. Nothing fits. I’m fat and ugly. I’m ashamed of how I look. I need to skinnier than I am gonna be worthy of love and belonging.”
Healthy-striving self-talk: “I want this for me. I want to feel better and be healthier. The scale doesn’t dictate if I’m loved and accepted. If I believe that I’m worthy of love and respect now, I will invite courage, compassion, and connection into my life. I want to figure this out for myself. I can do this.”
What Is The Opposite Of Perfectionism?
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life. — CHRISTOPHER K. GERMER
We all want to live wholehearted life – full of authenticity, without masks, being honest and true, but we shall remember this as well:
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
– L.Cohen’s song “Anthem“
So many of us run around speckling all of the cracks, when in fact there is beauty in them.
That’s why, It’s good that we remember this and try to be more kind toward ourselves.
Hope And Powerlessness
Hope is not an emotion. It’s a way of thinking or a cognitive process, according to Brene.
Hope happens when we:
– Have the ability to set realistic/true goals (I know where I am going)
– Figure out how to get there, including the ability to stay flexible and creative in finding solutions.
– Believe we can do it! (Who can stop me?)
Hopeful talk sounds like this: “This is tough, but I can do it.“
Hope can be learned!
Practicing Critical Awareness
Critical Awareness is all about not comparing our ordinary lives with manufactured images, but reality-check what we see.
As we go about our daily lives, we are bombarded with tons of messages about every aspect of our lives. From television commercials to movies and music, we are constantly told how we should spend our lives.
“Advertising is an over $200 billion a year industry. We are each exposed to over 3000 ads a day. Yet, remarkably, most of us believe we are not influenced by advertising. Ads sell a great deal more than products. They sell values, images, and concepts of success and worth, love and sexuality, popularity and normalcy. They tell us who we are and who we should be. Sometimes they sell addictions.” – Jean Kilbourne
That’s why it’s always good, to ask yourself these questions, in order to be more aware about your life:
1. Is what I’m seeing real? Do these images convey reality or fantasy?
2. Do these pictures reflect healthy, wholehearted living?
3. Who gains from my seeing these images and feeling bad about myself?
Prayers To God – Bring The Light From Within
The book is full of inspirations and quotes to keep us going forward. One in particular caught our attention:
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
As Brene interviewed so many people she learned that the light, she saw in those people came from within and referred to their spirit.
She emphasizes that spirituality (Christianity) is a vital aspect of the people who are living wholehearted life.
Brene testifies how quiet prayers, are the best way for her to stay motivated.
Gratitude And Joy
In her Spiritual Awakening, Brene comes to a great revelation about gratitude.
Gratitude is a practice and not just knowledge!
The people she interviewed all mentioned keeping gratitude journals, creating gratitude art, praying to God Jesus with thanksgiving, and even stopping during their stressful, busy days to actually say these words out loud: “I am grateful for …”
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
– Philippians 4:4-7
Gratitude keeps you appreciating the smallest, most beautiful things in life.
As Brene puts it, “Gratitude without practice is like faith without works.”
Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love..
– ADELA ROGERS ST. JOHNS
Joy and happiness are different experiences. As Adele R. would say: “Joy seems to me a step beyond happiness.”
Being grateful and joyful doesn’t mean being happy all of the time, because happiness is tied to circumstance, but joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.
As Brene will research others who explain happiness and joy, she finds out that the true explanation is, interestingly enough, in theology.
She comes across Anne Robertson, a Methodist pastor, a writer, and executive director of the Massachusetts Bible Society.
Robertson explains how the Greek origins of the words happiness and joy hold important meanings for us, to understand.
Robertson explains that the Greek word for happiness is “Makarios,” which was used to describe “the freedom of the rich people from everyday cares, problems, anxieties, and worries, or to describe a person who received some form of good fortune, such as money or health.“
She compares this to the Greek word for joy which is “chairo.“
Chairo was described by the ancient Greeks as the “culmination of being” and the “good mood of the soul.”
She therefore writes, “Chairo is something, the ancient Greek tell us, that is found only in God and comes with virtue and wisdom. It isn’t a beginner’s virtue; it comes as the culmination. They say its opposite is not sadness, but fear.”
Final Thoughts
The book is a must-read for anybody seeking inspiration and delving deeper into the real meaning of life.
We loved how Brene put a lot of aspects together, in search of the truth and the meaning of life.
It’s eye-opening and encouraging at the same time.
Although we did not cover all the chapters she wrote, we recommend that you read “The Gifts of Imperfection” or visit Brene’s blog to find out more.
We are also reminding that God is watching over you, outporing in your heart revelations, and wisdom about the meaning of your life.
Keep on listening to your heart and you will find that your imperfection is actually, a combination of lovely gifts!
